Precious Life Summer 2010

Wow, summer is coming to an end. I head back to the good old GFU in less than three weeks. This summer has taught me a lot. None of it has been intentional, but I have come to find that in life you can accidently learn things that may impact the future. These lessons have not been easy to take in. In fact, this whole summer has been an emotional rollercoaster.

It started off with some friends graduating, some friends getting married, and some friends getting crazy. Then I hit Southern California to spend time with one of my best friends, Meredith Kaloogian. It was a great time from San Diego to Anaheim and everywhere in-between. However, the good time came with some grim news, Meredith will not be returning to Fox this fall. She will be attending University of Arkansas.

Meredith was the friend I had been praying for. She is someone I could be completely me around. Someone, I can laugh with, cry with, and complain too. I was excited to have a roommate that I could easily share my space with, without drawing an invisible line down the middle. It will be hard without her, but the truth is despite the distance, she will still be one of my best friends for life. That means more to me than anything, and reminded me how true friendship really works. A true friend thinks about even when you are a plane ride away. A true friend invents ways to hang out with you even though you are not actually physically together.

Most importantly, a true friend supports and encourages you to do what is best. I support her choice, and encourage Meredith to embrace this change and make the best of it. She is worthy of happiness, and can handle this challenge. I believe she will shine.

I discovered something else in California. While standing in line to see a live taping of Jay Leno, I checked my e-mail to discover I was accepted to attend Washington Journalism Center in D.C. for their spring term. I was overjoyed, but as time approaches I realize what a strain this will be. I have never been that far from my parents for that long. I have never been to D.C. I have never had a professional internship. I have never taken publication transportation alone, and up until California flown alone. I am excited, but realizing I have a lot of growing up to do before I embark. These next few months will be crucial as I focus on developing the skills I will need to have prior to this adventure. I will express and write more about this as time goes on.

After Disneyland, Hollywood Boulevard, and the San Diego beaches, I returned to a bleak and gray sky Oregon. I was excited to see my parents again, and my mom and I to do our daily things. Shopping, errands, talking, and laughing at everything always keeps us busy. However, my Grandfather has not been doing well. So, I have helped her on a daily basis, with the exceptions of the days where I am in Newberg working part-time, so I have some money. It started out just bandage changes to some wounds on his foot; it progressed to a serious staff infection known as MRSA.

No more Tinkerbell and daydreaming of being rich and famous, reality set in. About 10 days of hospital visits occurred. I hate hospitals, although I do not think anyone particularly likes being in one. He had three surgeries. He is 88 years old. My Mom is such a giving person; she has helped him for several years, but this was something out of anyone’s control. Something that causes a lot of health issues, and for an 88-year-old man is very debilitating.

He is currently residing in an elderly rehabilitation facility. It is hard to watch someone you love grow this old, and this tired. I have seen him age over the years, but this was a drastic turn. The lesson in this is more than I can take in.

First and foremost I have realized family is absolutely everything. This is something I have known. It has just become more apparent through this. I have not been seeing many people, I have not prioritized my social life; it is not really existing. I spend time with my family at night relaxing from the emotional stress of watching someone we love become weak, and their fight slowly fade. It hurts.

Another cliché, but still these events have reminded me how true it is, life is far too short. My Grandpa has lived a good life. He has down a lot of things, seen the world, was in love, was successful, raised a family, and everything one can hope to do in a lifetime. Although, I am sure there is so much more he wishes for. This helps me remember to stay in the present and not rush the future. I need to make more of each day and make sure I am doing what makes me happy, so when I am 88 I can look back and say it was good.

It is a stressful time, but I am praying and hoping that something good will come from it. That he will start to turn back to his normal self. That he will have strength to live the last part of his life stronger. The optimism has been low, and I will admit I have almost slightly emotionally been detaching myself from this because it is so hard. Although, I am not proud of this and wish I could have more of my Mom’s strength to carry more of her burden.

This is where my anxiety comes in. That is probably why I am writing so much right now, to lower my anxiousness of everything. My summer has not really been a break, and school is around the corner. I am just worried about everything, and I mean everything. What do I want to do with my life? How will I manage all my responsibilities? Am I in the right classes? Will my apartment-mates get along? Will people judge me? Will I met new friends? Will I have good experiences? Will I make new memories? Will I be overly stressed? And a lot more…

I have been challenged here. I feel as though I have grown up a bit. I have become more independent. I have done what I consider “big girl” things. I am a child at heart, and like to be nurtured. Lately, I have been trying to nurture others and also be less of a dependent upon others acceptance. I have had to find escapes of reality, so my anxiety lowers. My fears are still apparent and some are more intense. I am just discovering my limits and the inevitable. I am challenged to find how to balance my extreme fears and anxiety with what I cannot change. This is a huge struggle and I am facing it with the optimism I can overcome whatever makes me shake.

There is another thing I learned, but I cannot seem to put into words right now. So I must save it for another time. For me, I just hope I take these last couple weeks and make sure I have clear goals, and an understanding of the relevance of this life. I read Charlie St. Cloud, have not seen the movie, but the book discusses how precious this life is. Experiencing and reading about it at the same time is no coincidence. I know God has a purpose for me here, and I just hope I can fulfill it, while staying true to my identity, loyal to my family, and honest to my true friends.

Embracing Change: Where I am going.

I am one of the few people, who has always, with the exception of two difficult years of my life, known the direction I am meant to go. Though I knew I was supposed to pursue writing, I never knew how my journalistic abilities were going to help the world. “Work for Vogue,” people would say, as clearly I am a girly-girl and would not know much outside of the fashion and feminine realm.

Recently I have discovered where I am going and my intentions. The stereotypes of my typical disposition, style, attitude, favorite color, and even my blond hair have bogged me down for years. Constantly battling with whether to wear my pink sweaters and dresses, knowing others would perceive me as “just another blond girl who cannot hold intellectual conversations,” or to change who I am so people would see me for what is beyond their vision. I chose to stay me, pink, cutesy, blond and even flirty. Despite these things I do not hold true to the stereotype.
These past few weeks I have not been so well. I was having issues balancing my life, and trying to figure out my plans for this summer, next year, and how I was going to better myself for what came after college. Then I hit a wall. I was putting enthusiasm and time in to all these application processes for various jobs, activities, and internships to repeatedly here, “we regret to inform you.” The first one did not hurt, the second one was just frustrating, and the third one made me flustered and perplexed.

Another realization hit me, this is not what I want. I am tired of putting myself out there for the opportunities that are not going to push me, make me progress, or support me. My ambitions are too many to list, my hopes and goals to detailed to explain; but, I can tell you that I have high expectations for myself. These expectations are rarely reached as every time I get close, I lose focus or raise the bar another level just because I know I won’t reach. These expectations have helped me though, as I have come to understand that I need to be me above all else.

My main focus behind this blog is that I am about to make some changes in order to go on an adventure. While like my future, I am not sure what this adventure is, but I know where it starts. I am going to finish my next 2 years and four weeks of college with as much experience as possible. I am going to write everything, learn as much as I possibly can about journalism, media, communication, and political science. Understanding these concepts will hopefully put me in a position to advocate and fight for those without a voice, or to make the voices of those who have suggestions that promote humanity louder, and amplify the good hearts and causes throughout the world.

This is what I want to do, this is going to be my future. I will keep you updated with what I am doing, causes to look in to, and people who are trying to make a difference.

I am Amanda Kate and this is my Story

To those who doubt, you will never find the peace you thrive for. To those who search for what you believe or desire when all odds are against you, this blog is for you. Whether you are creating a journey for God, unfulfilled dreams, love, or even the existence of fairies, never lose hope.

We all are trying to accomplish something with our lives. In reality, we all are striving for the same thing, but we come across it in different ways. We are all on the journey to find happiness, and pursued goals.

So, what does my excursion entail? Well, I don’t know exactly. I am 19-year-old girl, going to be a sophomore at a small conservative private university. I am girl who is pursuing a dream of becoming a writer, a journalist. I am a girl who never quite accepted the fact that one day I may have to grow up and become an adult. I am a girl who still has a pink room, loves fairies, and imagines herself with wings. I am a girl who recently realized how hard life can become when you turn left at a road where you were supposed to turn right.

At this point in my life that is all I really know. I have been through my struggles, I have grown, I have made my own choices and created a path. However, I don’t know where that path is going. I don’t even know where I want it to take me.

I am writing this blog to share with you my life journey. Share with you the uncertainty of my choices. I’ll even reveal my flaws and downfalls along the way because without those it wouldn’t be reality, would it?

I am Amanda Kate and this is my story.